I Am No Longer My Illness, I am Elizabeth Charlotte Bogod.

Thank you so much to Elizabeth who sent her story to our email address, BPDaware@hotmail.co.uk

You can share your story with us - anonymously if you wish - and help give insight into our illness. 

Don’t Call Me Borderline!

This was my initial reaction when I first learned that I have commonly misunderstood mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Unlike, Depression, Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder few people have heard of my illness and it is only just beginning to come into the light as far as advocacy and awareness are concerned. 

I am among the many millions of people with this disorder (2-3% of the population). Like Schizophrenia, BPD is a devastating mental illness and is usually diagnosed in adolescence or early adulthood. In my case, it struck very young, probably around puberty, but I was not diagnosed until twenty six years of age. For more than ten years of my life I struggled to get well. It has only been in the last four years that I have found true health and wellbeing. I am doing wonderful now! 

There were many times when I honestly thought I would never get better – I gave up hope. I became suicidal. I seriously attempted suicide nine times. These attempts were serious yet impulsive acts and extremely hard on my family who never knew if they would come home to find me dead or alive. This was before mental health professionals learned that BPD is actually a highly treatable mental illness!

During my illness, I suffered from typical BPD symptoms. I had great difficulty regulating my emotions (especially in relationships with others). I was very impulsive and self-destructive. I engaged in self-injury where I cut or burned my skin to get a sense of relief from emotional pain. I had uncontrollable bouts of rage either aimed at myself or others. I lost a lot of friends during this period and my family did not know how to help me although they tried their best to be emotionally supportive. I also experienced severe depression and feelings of being completely empty. I felt like a burn victim – my skin so raw I lacked the “emotional skin” to cope with, what others would consider the normal everyday trials and tribulations of life. At times, I did not know who the person looking back at me in the mirror really was – I thought I was a bad, evil and despicable person although I had never committed a crime and by many accounts was a caring, thoughtful and highly-sensitive individual. At other times, I dissociated from reality. I felt numb or unable to feel. For prolonged periods of time, everything around me looked and felt fake. On one day, I remember multi-coloured fall leaves blowing by that looked like plastic – nature was ugly and lacked any meaning or beauty. I felt as if I was living in a doll house where nothing around me was real. At other times, I heard voices in my head telling me “You are worthless, you are worthless...” over and over again.

I went to Toronto in search of treatment that I could not find in BC at the time. Unfortunately, although I got on the waiting list for Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, I never got into the program despite waiting nine months. In the end, I ended up homeless and lost in the shelter system unable to find treatment. Finally, my living situation became so unbearable it was impossible for me to continue waiting. I decided to come home where my parents were living with stable housing. 

As for my recovery, I was finally hospitalized in Victoria with severe depression. After two month of hell my psychiatrist landed on the right medications for me – a combination of mood stabilizers and antipsychotic medication. At last, through medication and self-taught Dialectical Behavioural Techniques ( DBT) I found peace within my mind. These techniques help me manage my emotions. They help me tolerate difficult emotions so I don’t act on them and cause myself further emotional distress. Now that my mood swings were regulated I felt ready to go to college. I am now a certified Community Mental Health Worker. As a Peer Support Worker (PSW) at a local mental health agency, I work both one-to-one and in groups with people who have mental illnesses. With the help of a young woman with BPD and our mothers, I have started a local support group for people with BPD and family members http://bpdsupportgroup.wordpress.com  I also co-facilitate a psychoeducational workshop for those with overwhelming emotions (cross-diagnosis) called the New Light Recovery Workshop where participants learn Dialectical Behavioural Techniques (DBT).

But, I am no longer my illness. I am a daughter, a sister, a team-member, a facilitator, an artist, a public speaker, a volunteer, a passionate person, a caring person, a nature lover (I see beauty again!), an animal lover,  an advocate, a spiritual person,  an avid novel reader, a bell collector, a person who knows me well... I am Elizabeth Charlotte Bogod.

As an advocate, I urge everyone who reads this article to join the advocacy movement to bring BPD out of the darkness where stigma festers and grows. The term BPD says little about the true nature of this illness. It does not reflect the core symptoms – emotional dysregulation and impulsivity and in my experience, has led to increased stigma, misunderstandings and the all horrible self-stigma that slowly erodes the soul. To be told I had a “personality disorder” (especially when I was most vulnerable and hurting) was to be told there was something intrinsically wrong with the essence of my being – my whole identity and personality flawed. There is currently a move to change the name and designation of BPD in the next publication of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). Possible new names include Emotional Regulation Disorder, Emotional Processing Disorder and Emotional Deficit Impulsivity Disorder. You can help!!! Please sign the following petition to bring BPD into the light! http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/Advocacy-for-Borderline-Personality-Disorder