Book Review: The Buddha & The Borderline

The Buddha & The Borderline

By Kiera van Gelder

Reviewed by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

The Buddha & The Borderline, by writer, artist and advocate Kiera Van Gelder, exposes a regularly hushed-up topic: borderline personality disorder (BPD). BPD is shrouded in stigma. There’s little information about the disorder and, while effective treatments exist — namely dialectical behavior therapy — it can be tough to find a mental health professional who’s educated and experienced in administering them.

If you’re someone with BPD or a loved one of someone with BPD, you probably already know this. The devastation this disorder causes is immense but the misunderstanding and lack of treatment may be just as heavy. With The Buddha & The Borderline, I believe that you’ll find relief, reputable information and hope. It’s far from an easy read. But it’s real, authentic and truly valuable.

In this memoir, Van Gelder documents her diagnosis, treatment and recovery from BPD. She begins the book when she’s 30 years old, when she’s already attempted several times to take her own life, gone through a handful of hospitalizations, been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder and recovered from alcohol and drug addiction. She is in the arms of yet another boyfriend, attaching herself to him in such a way that she loses herself completely. (She writes later in the book: “If Taylor were gone, it would be like pulling the plug in a basin that holds all the shapeless, turbulent liquid of my life. I would drain away.”) This is a pattern: With every boyfriend, her identity, her musical tastes, how she dresses, what she believes tend to change. Yet she doesn’t know why. After each relationship ends, she starts searching for another savior. 

Van Gelder desperately wants to find out what is wrong because as she writes, “…despite being clean and sober for almost a decade, I’m still a mess.” For almost two decades, she’s been in therapy. She has tried various types of treatments, medications and 12-step programs, but yet nothing seems to be working. 

When she’s finally diagnosed at a local hospital, Van Gelder witnesses firsthand the stigma, shame, myths, insurance woes and unavailability of treatment. Yet even as she’s struggling with out-of-control symptoms and suicidal urges and grappling with such a stigmatized diagnosis, Van Gelder continues fighting. Her initial motivator? Rage. She writes:

Ultimately rage, not hope, hurls me into recovery when I finally understand that it’s not simply my illness, but incompetence and avoidance from the mental health system that has created my ‘incurable and hopeless’ condition.

This book is a must-read for several reasons. One of the main reasons is that Van Gelder demystifies BPD, clearly defining the symptoms both from a scientific level and a personal one. She writes about deeply intimate slices from her life so readers receive an inside look into what it’s like to have BPD. This is very uncommon, as BPD is largely marred in mystery in our society. The public gets very little solid information about what this disorder really looks like. 

Van Gelder also addresses her loved one’s denials of her diagnosis — also common. In the beginning, her mom repeatedly questions her being “mentally ill.” In a therapy session with her mother, Van Gelder says:

But why can’t you take my mental illness seriously? I feel like I’ve been set up, over and over. Like I’m a cripple without a wheelchair, and everyone keeps signing me up for marathons, then shaming me for not winning the race.

She also faces similar frustrations as she tries to share information about BPD with her grandparents:

Indeed, I discover that the less I say, the happier everyone seems to be with me. I sometimes wonder if I wouldn’t have been better off as a paraplegic or afflicted by some tragic form of cancer.

Secondly, she demystifies dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) — a treatment developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., which has scores of research studies to back up its effectiveness — and informs the reader in great detail about this treatment. So while this is a memoir, it also serves as a valuable teaching tool. Loved ones and individuals with BPD will benefit from learning about their options and the nitty-gritty of DBT, which like BPD itself, many people have no clue about. Therapists and graduate students also will learn a lot.

Relying on research studies and books on DBT, Van Gelder quotes Dr. Linehan (and other experts) and describes the theories, goals and techniques of the treatment in layman’s terms throughout the book. As she gives readers the theory behind each step, she illustrates this in relation to herself and her therapy.

For instance, DBT focuses on the concept of dialectics, which on a practical level is, according to Van Gelder, “…what happens when opposites combine to create something new…On a deeper level, dialectics is a viewpoint that recognizes reality and human behavior as fundamentally relational.”

Throughout the book, Van Gelder tries to reconcile the opposing parts of herself. Can she really resist something and long for it at the same time? Can she be healthy in some ways but still lack a secure sense of self? 

Interestingly, the book, too, mirrors this dialectical nature. It’s painful, frustrating and potentially triggering while being uplifting, soothing and hopeful.

In the last part of the book, Van Gelder discovers Buddhism and explores how it applies to BPD and her life (dialectical behavior therapy is actually based on Buddhist philosophies). Just as she does throughout the book, in the end, she provides several profound insights. 

In addition to the perceptive content, Van Gelder’s writing is beautiful and heartbreaking. Van Gelder is a gifted and eloquent writer, and readers will instantly get pulled into her story. 

As mentioned briefly above, parts of the book may be triggering to some readers. Van Gelder writes poignantly and often in-depth about painful experiences, including her cutting, suicidal urges and sexual abuse. So while this level of detail may be necessary for readers to gain a better grasp of BPD’s desperation, confusion and grief, it can have a negative effect on someone who’s vulnerable. 

As much as this book is about seeking the correct diagnosis and the struggles of recovery, The Buddha & The Borderline is also about Van Gelder’s journey to find herself and lead a life worth living — the ultimate goal of DBT. Even though this is a memoir, it’ll no doubt echo the stories of other sufferers and help readers better understand BPD and its treatment. 

The Buddha and the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder Through Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Buddhism and Online Dating
By Kiera van Gelder
New Harbinger Publications: August 2010
Paperback, 246 pages
$17.95

I Am No Longer My Illness, I am Elizabeth Charlotte Bogod.

Thank you so much to Elizabeth who sent her story to our email address, BPDaware@hotmail.co.uk

You can share your story with us - anonymously if you wish - and help give insight into our illness. 

Don’t Call Me Borderline!

This was my initial reaction when I first learned that I have commonly misunderstood mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Unlike, Depression, Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder few people have heard of my illness and it is only just beginning to come into the light as far as advocacy and awareness are concerned. 

I am among the many millions of people with this disorder (2-3% of the population). Like Schizophrenia, BPD is a devastating mental illness and is usually diagnosed in adolescence or early adulthood. In my case, it struck very young, probably around puberty, but I was not diagnosed until twenty six years of age. For more than ten years of my life I struggled to get well. It has only been in the last four years that I have found true health and wellbeing. I am doing wonderful now! 

There were many times when I honestly thought I would never get better – I gave up hope. I became suicidal. I seriously attempted suicide nine times. These attempts were serious yet impulsive acts and extremely hard on my family who never knew if they would come home to find me dead or alive. This was before mental health professionals learned that BPD is actually a highly treatable mental illness!

During my illness, I suffered from typical BPD symptoms. I had great difficulty regulating my emotions (especially in relationships with others). I was very impulsive and self-destructive. I engaged in self-injury where I cut or burned my skin to get a sense of relief from emotional pain. I had uncontrollable bouts of rage either aimed at myself or others. I lost a lot of friends during this period and my family did not know how to help me although they tried their best to be emotionally supportive. I also experienced severe depression and feelings of being completely empty. I felt like a burn victim – my skin so raw I lacked the “emotional skin” to cope with, what others would consider the normal everyday trials and tribulations of life. At times, I did not know who the person looking back at me in the mirror really was – I thought I was a bad, evil and despicable person although I had never committed a crime and by many accounts was a caring, thoughtful and highly-sensitive individual. At other times, I dissociated from reality. I felt numb or unable to feel. For prolonged periods of time, everything around me looked and felt fake. On one day, I remember multi-coloured fall leaves blowing by that looked like plastic – nature was ugly and lacked any meaning or beauty. I felt as if I was living in a doll house where nothing around me was real. At other times, I heard voices in my head telling me “You are worthless, you are worthless...” over and over again.

I went to Toronto in search of treatment that I could not find in BC at the time. Unfortunately, although I got on the waiting list for Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, I never got into the program despite waiting nine months. In the end, I ended up homeless and lost in the shelter system unable to find treatment. Finally, my living situation became so unbearable it was impossible for me to continue waiting. I decided to come home where my parents were living with stable housing. 

As for my recovery, I was finally hospitalized in Victoria with severe depression. After two month of hell my psychiatrist landed on the right medications for me – a combination of mood stabilizers and antipsychotic medication. At last, through medication and self-taught Dialectical Behavioural Techniques ( DBT) I found peace within my mind. These techniques help me manage my emotions. They help me tolerate difficult emotions so I don’t act on them and cause myself further emotional distress. Now that my mood swings were regulated I felt ready to go to college. I am now a certified Community Mental Health Worker. As a Peer Support Worker (PSW) at a local mental health agency, I work both one-to-one and in groups with people who have mental illnesses. With the help of a young woman with BPD and our mothers, I have started a local support group for people with BPD and family members http://bpdsupportgroup.wordpress.com  I also co-facilitate a psychoeducational workshop for those with overwhelming emotions (cross-diagnosis) called the New Light Recovery Workshop where participants learn Dialectical Behavioural Techniques (DBT).

But, I am no longer my illness. I am a daughter, a sister, a team-member, a facilitator, an artist, a public speaker, a volunteer, a passionate person, a caring person, a nature lover (I see beauty again!), an animal lover,  an advocate, a spiritual person,  an avid novel reader, a bell collector, a person who knows me well... I am Elizabeth Charlotte Bogod.

As an advocate, I urge everyone who reads this article to join the advocacy movement to bring BPD out of the darkness where stigma festers and grows. The term BPD says little about the true nature of this illness. It does not reflect the core symptoms – emotional dysregulation and impulsivity and in my experience, has led to increased stigma, misunderstandings and the all horrible self-stigma that slowly erodes the soul. To be told I had a “personality disorder” (especially when I was most vulnerable and hurting) was to be told there was something intrinsically wrong with the essence of my being – my whole identity and personality flawed. There is currently a move to change the name and designation of BPD in the next publication of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). Possible new names include Emotional Regulation Disorder, Emotional Processing Disorder and Emotional Deficit Impulsivity Disorder. You can help!!! Please sign the following petition to bring BPD into the light! http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/Advocacy-for-Borderline-Personality-Disorder

"I Did Not Write This, But I Could Have" Author Anon.

We have come upon another of those heartwarming pieces of writing that give our friends and relatives insight and help us to feel less alone in how we think and act. The author of this piece is anonymous but the sentiment is extremely familiar. If you would like to share your experience of BPD, whether diagnosed or carer, send it to bpdaware@hotmail.co.uk.

You wanted to know the worst about me, the things I told no one and hid below the surface. How do I explain it? How do I explain who I am when I am not even sure of it myself? How do I put into words the worst parts of me that I have run from for so long? I will tell you my secrets, I will tell you everything. Maybe it will help me. Maybe you will hate me for it or maybe you will understand. I don't know, but I am sick of running. So here it is, I will give you what you want.

I hate you. That is not true, but sometimes I think it is. I will not answer the phone when you call, even though I want to talk to you. I will not call you, even though it is all I want to do. I will not reach out to you, even though every part of me wants to. I will be mad at you, I will want to hurt you, I will drive you away because I am afraid to let you closer. I need your constant attention, your reassurances, but I will greet them with cold indifference. I will be jealous of the attention you give others, and I will get mad at you for ignoring me. I will feel close to you and care for you one day, only to be mad and want you out of my life the next.

I am an emotional amnesiac, maybe I always have been. I take each event, each day, each conversation as a seperate event, always looking for signs that you might hurt me. When I feel neglected, I will get mad and forget that the day before you told me how much you cared. I am an inconsistent mess. There is a part of me who is happy and confident and another part that is insecure and needy. These days, I never know which one it will be. Every time I think I am in control, that I know you care and I feel comfortable with our relationship, the fear and doubt will come back. Maybe with time it will go away completely, but doubt it. All it will take is another close relationship, another new friend, another day and it will be back.

You ask what you can do and I do not know what to say. The needy part of me wants your constant attention, it needs your words and thoughts, your presence. But I know that is not the answer, I must accept the limitations on our relationship. The scared part of me wants you out of my life because it would be easier. The hateful part of me wants to hurt you because it thinks you have hurt me. All I can ask you to do is to understand, to not give up. I will ignore you at times, I may be rude to you, I may try to hurt you. I may hide from you and wait for you to reach out to me, so I know you will care. It is not fair to do these things, but I will. I cannot ask you to put up with this, it is not fair and no matter how I act, I care too much to put you through this. But you asked, and this is all I have to tell you.

I do not like this. I do not like that I am needy and clinging. I do not like that I hurt people. I do not like that I am rude and sarcastic to those around me. I do not like this part of myself. For years, I have ignored this and pretended it was me, but I have realized that is wrong. This is not me, it is a false identity created to protect me from the world. This was not an easy realization, and perhaps I haven't fully accepted it yet. But I have found my path, I have realized I can change and I can accept this side of me and keep it from becoming who I am. It will not be easy and it will not be quick, but I have faith that I can do it. Perhaps one day I will see me as the person you see behind my defenses, and perhaps one day I will let others see that person as well.
This is for you, but you are many people. You are the people close to me now. You are the people I want to be close to even though I have kept you away. You are the friends I have pushed away in the past, the friends I never forgave and never let back in my life, the friends I never had the chance to tell this to. You are the people I will meet in the future, the people I will care about until once again I push them out of my life. You are the part of me that is still trying to understand who I am. You are all of these people and many more.