Mind and Soul

Is belief in God a big part of your journey with BPD? Have you found that your religious beliefs have comforted you through the tough times? Or has your faith community let you down, not knowing how to treat someone who is mentally ill? Perhaps you have been told that your disorder is a result of sin, or demons? Maybe you see your symptoms in a spiritual light, and the the fluctuations of energies that you experience as a manifestation of a higher power?  Here, Paul tells his story of childhood sexual abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder and christianity. If you want to know more about a christian mental health perspective, visit Mind and Soul, a website exploring christianity and mental health. I was sexually abused as a child. It went on for approximately six years. It had a very big effect on me. I found it very confusing. My parents provided a stable home environment and cared about me. Like many people, communication between my self and my parents was not very good. My parents did not know I was being sexually abused. I told them about it when I was an adult. They both believed me when I told them which I found very helpful. I did not feel able to tell anyone about it at the time. The person abusing me told me that if I told anyone I "would go to Hell", which was quite a deterrent to a ten year old. As I grew up I had this "big secret", about an adult having sex with me, which I felt I could not tell anyone about. I started to have very strong feelings and troublesome thoughts about the whole situation. I felt very guilty about what was going on. I felt very ashamed of my self. I felt very angry. I felt deeply resentful towards my abuser. I also had confusing and contradictory feelings, for example sometimes I liked the attention and some bits of the sex. This would confuse me further. The person abusing me seemed to really enjoy the power they could have over me. They would repeatedly tell me how wrong this activity was and stop it, for a few days, and then they would start it all up again. This repeated acceptance and rejection over and over again really 'did my head in'. This went on for years. I also had increasingly high levels of anxiety and a constant fear of being found out. I started to hate my self and struggle with suicidal, violent and self-destructive thoughts and impulses. During this time I appeared fairly normal to the outside world. My grades fluctuated a lot. When I got to thirteen I discovered alcohol and some drugs and gambling. I found if I did these excessively and impulsively then the really bad mixture of thoughts and feelings in my head would go away for a short while, only they always came back and my repetitive excesses caused me and those around me increasing problems. I ended up spending four months in a rehab for alcohol dependency when I was nineteen. I joined A. A., did their 12 step program and stayed sober for five years. I tried two years of psychotherapy. I went to university and got a first class honours degree and started teaching at university. However I still felt very hurt and troubled inside and struggled with suicidal thoughts. Nothing seemed to solve my inner turmoil. I returned to drink and drugs, and became addicted to amphetamines. Sometimes I stopped drink and drugs for weeks or months but found my problems stayed the same. I had difficulty forming relationships as they caused me great anxiety and I found it difficult to manage my feelings such as resentments, fear, low mood, violent thoughts, loneliness, envy, shame and guilt. I spent the next four years in and out of the psychiatric hospital in Bradford. I lived a very self destructive lifestyle. I was given lots of medication and diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, then psychotic depression and finally with "Borderline Personality Disorder". No one explained what this meant. Sometimes I took overdoses or cut my self. I felt utter despair. Then I overheard someone called Barry telling someone that Jesus had died to set them free from all their wrongs and had risen from the dead so they could be 'born again' into a 'new life'. I suddenly thought, "it's true" and I knew I needed to be 'born again'. I then joined a church. The best thing was that I was accepted into a home group and the people really seemed to care about my well being and believed I could get better. I felt I belonged somewhere instead of being an outsider. I worked through the 12-1/2 Steps to Spiritual Health, outlined in a book the vicar (Howard Astin) had written. This was just basic Christian practice: I admitted that I did not have the power on my own to sort out the serious set of problem habits I had. I asked Jesus to be the Boss ("Lord") of my life from now on. Barry prayed for me to be filled with the Holy Spirit, this gave me the power to live out this new way of life. I then admitted every thing I had ever done wrong in my life, wrote it down and shared it in confidence with two other Christians who I had come to trust (Barry and John). I admitted all the problem habits I had formed in reaction to being abused (self hatred, addictions etc.), I then turned away from my previous way of life and believed God had forgiven me. I also shared all the hurtful and damaging things that had been done to me with these two men and forgave anyone who had hurt me, including the person who had sexually abused me. This was a great relief. I then was prayed for to be healed of the hurts of the past. I do not think I could have been healed without admitting my wrongs, turning away from them and forgiving the wrongs of others towards me. I then have spent the next seven years living out my salvation and growing and maturing in line with God's word (the Bible). I got and continue to get a lot of support from my church. I started dating for the first time in ten years and have since married my wife who is a great blessing and loving support to me. I also have two step children. I came off benefits and am now in full time employment working with clients who have a "Personality Disorder" diagnosis like I had. I enjoy life and feel fulfilled. God has been very good to me and I want to share some of his love with others. Jesus promised that he had come to give us new life to the full, and he has. Along the way have been many struggles as I have had to submit to God's will and not my own. I love 'the new way of the Spirit' and am glad the power of the evil one was broken by the power of Jesus' resurrection from the dead. I was 'dead' in my spirit but rose again with Jesus! Praise be to God, who has the power to transform people's lives.

BPD Survey

American charity, Love Is The Cure, are running a survey at the moment and need as many people with BPD as possible to take it in order to get the best results. There is a link to their website in our side bar and the results will be made known in due time.

www.kwiksurveys.com/?s=HHOMNO_9e65258


Thank you ever so much for helping us to help them.

BPD Relationships - I Hate You, Don't Leave Me

Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships are taken by some to define the life of the borderline. Those with BPD swing from extremes of ideation to devaluation, or, in simpler terms, are renowned for pushing away those they are desperate to draw close to. But are relationships always doomed to fiery burnouts for those with the disorder?


Many psychiatrists see that a stable, loving relationship can be the catalyst to a 'cure' for someone with BPD. A partner who can't be pushed away, won't let words said in fear of loss make them actually lose them, and won't believe that things will never get better can be the stability and unchanging rock that a borderline needs. Extremity can be tempered by a calm presence and irrationality needs a rational, listening ear to be comforted, confronted and changed.


For many, such a stable relationship has never materialised. They learn instead that if they push hard enough, one time they will push too far. They see that they can at least control the pain by being the one to bring it, rather than waiting for the other person to do the seemingly imminent breaking up of the relationship. They see that their fears of losing those they love become realities time and time again. They become closed off to the idea of love when love could be the cure.


This highlights yet another reason why greater awareness and understanding of BPD is needed. When the person that a borderline is in a relationship with truly understands why they are behaving as they are, it is much easier for them to rationalise it, not be pushed away by it, and even challenge it and comfort the concerns causing the person to behave in such a way in the first place. But whilst there is still ignorance about the disorder and while people still believe that once a borderline is always a borderline, the sufferer will be reinforced in their sense that they are and can be their own worst enemy.

"A Famous Fictional Example Could Spread Awareness" - Anakin Skywalker Has BPD?

Eric Bui, French psychologist and psychiatrist, proposed that psychiatric help could have prevented the emergence of Darth Vader.

"I believe that psychotherapy would have helped Anakin and might have prevented him from turning to the dark side," Bui said. "Using the dark side of the Force could be considered as similar to drug use: It feels really good when you use it, it alters your consciousness and you know you shouldn’t do it."

Is psychotherapy what is needed to stop more people turning from a troubled Borderline Anakin into a broken and destructive Darth Vader? Or does the parallel drawn with Star Wars only further stigma that those with BPD are the baddies of society, going from showing six of the diagnostic criteria for the illness to a total breakdown and swing to the Dark Side?

[Bui and colleagues] have used the "Star Wars" example to teach their students for the past few years, and noted that such a famous fictional example could spread awareness.


It is certainly true that celebrities being open about diagnosis with a mental disorder does help raise awareness for that disorder. However along with the hightened awareness does not always come heightened understanding. Seeing the extreme behaviour of celebrities with bipolar, for example, doesn't lead to a balanced understanding of how bipolar affects the majority of people. Thus, when we search to herald news like this a victory for BPD awareness, we must temper it with a call for greater understanding too.


Read the rest of the article here and make up your mind.

Is Anakin Borderline?
If so, can we use this to help us fight stigma?
Or, should we dismiss such diagnoses of fictional characters as irrelevant and unhelpful?